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A little update...

Hello there. It’s been a while, as usual, despite my intentions. Just thought I’d at least drop in to update you on my situation regarding my PhD. I quit, a little over a month ago. Too many problems to handle - from not getting enough support during my PhD (even though I addressed the relevant persons on all levels about this several times…) to the ongoing family dramas I’ve alluded to and mentioned before. I was actually pretty close to the end of my PhD it seemed, in that all I was doing now was pretty much writing up, but turns out I couldn’t hack coping with the environment I’m in again any more. So it’s a shame, I feel quite bummed out, and pretty much every day I’ve felt like bursting into tears, but crying is something I don’t seem able to do any more (pretty sure this is psychosomatic as that seems more likely than physiologically being unable to cry…I think?), so I just carry it with me and am constantly feeling on edge.

That said, quitting seemed to be the most pragmatic outcome in a way. My though process was pretty much: “I need to get out of this environment, but I have no financial means of doing so, so I need a job for financial income, but I can’t get a job until I finish my thesis, so I need to finish my thesis, but I can’t focus on my thesis with all the stuff going on around me here, so I should try to focus on resolving those problems first, but I’ve been trying that for most of my life and nobody here seems to actually listen, so I need to get out of this environment…” and it just seemed to a vicious cycle that dragged on. So I had to compromise the thing I actually really wanted to do - a PhD - for a long portion of my Life (this is in the version of my Life I entertain/hope for where I don’t commit suicide, in case you’re wondering about inconsistencies). Though compromise is not foreign to me, of course (that’s not to say I’ve always compromised, or even compromised the most compared to others, or anything like that at all. Just relegating my stuff to the back-seat or even chucking it out of the car altogether is something I’m familiar with and almost ‘normalised’ for me.

But yes, one of the ‘lighter’ questions this leaves me with is: Am I no longer able to consider myself a scientist? Without any publications that have gone through peer-review, I don’t have any official credit to my name in that respect. To be frank, I didn’t really call myself a scientist before anyway, as I figured that’s a title/right I earn after submitting and passing my thesis and viva. “The Dark Scientist”, my blog title, was meant more as a light-hearted joke with some relevance to me doing a PhD, but at the same time was intended to be qualified once I’d completed my PhD. So now that I’m not doing a PhD and have no research published to my name (yet? Not sure…), is my blog title slightly fraudulent and requires a change?

Still thinking this one over…

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The "Death-Friend"

Hello :)

I know I haven’t posted here in quite some time, and I have been meaning to quite regularly to be frank (say once a week, at least). As usual, though, there’ve been other things getting in the way, be it actual stuff to do, or more likely the constant apathy and my lethargy in anything that seems to be ‘for myself’. Anywho, here I am trying to make amends of sorts (to whom? I have no idea - to you the readers and audience, I guess, but I don’t think I have any ‘regulars’ that wait with baited breath for my next post :P If I do, though, I am sorry! I don’t mean to overlook you or anything, I just wasn’t aware and had no indication of it, as far as I could tell.).

So, the “Death-Friend”.

This is a concept that’s been more or less been floating around in my head as some vague and unidentified form for almost half of my life, and I may have even made allusions to it in my past posts, but it’s only very recently that I think I figured out what that presence in my mind was. In short, a “Death Friend” is a friend who you feel comfortable sharing your Death with, and the moments leading up to it, be it the moments just before your passing, or the months and years before as you try to set your affairs in order.

Of course, there are a few things to point out with this:

  1. It presumes you know when you’re going to die. Nobody really knows this for sure until the moment it happens, of course. However, the general implication is that this is either somebody who’s “terminally ill”, or planning their Death (be it suicide or assisted-suicide). So we’re on ‘dark’ territory here, but that’s usually the case with me, as you’ve probably figured out by now if you’ve read my previous stuff, and if not, now you know! :D

  2. I actually wouldn’t consider this any different from other types of friends, and would hope that, if faced with the situation for whatever reason, a good friend would be able to support one through to the end of one’s Life. Of course, Death is not necessarily an easy thing to deal with and we all have our own thoughts and feelings about it, so I’m certainly not saying one has to be able to fulfil this, and that’s why I thought of the notion of a death-friend in the first place. Because some times the person you may consider your best friend may not seem ready or able to bear such a weight, and that’s understandable, and you don’t want to impose upon them or burden them any more than you may already feel like you are doing or have done.

  3. When I say “sharing your Death with”, I don’t mean they die too, like a suicide-pact or something, just that they’re with you at the moment of your passing so you don’t feel alone at the end of this Life, at least (if you want them to be and don’t want to feel that way, that is).

Anywho, that’s all. Hopefully I’ll be posting more regularly and of about this length from now on (as a general guideline, not a hard rule).

Take care :)

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Guilty feelings

The idea itself of expressing any of my feelings - whatever they are - makes me feel guilty and I wish I could figure out how not to.

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Anti-Depressants Log: Day 4

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Anti-Depressants Log: Day 4

The doctor recommended I start off on a half-dosage so that any side-effects are mild. The SSRI in question is Sertraline, and the usual dosage is 50mg a day, so these last four days I've just been on 25mg instead. I haven't noticed anything different other than being more aware of my lower-jaw and so clenching my teeth every now and then (grinding teeth is one of the usual side-effects, apparently). I've also noticed I can keep my contact lenses (dailies) in for a lot longer than usual before my eyes feel tired, but I'm pretty sure that's unrelated :P Will move up to 50mg as of tomorrow. Will see what happens.

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Closing Off...

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Closing Off...

[Excerpt] I think it's best for me to close off from people. I just need to convince myself of it and stop hoping somebody will help.

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