Time For An Update? Implementing the "Personal Boundaries" Feature

I haven’t really written here in quite a while (though that’s not exactly new…), but also haven’t felt up for it in some ways for various reasons. As in, there’s still so much I want to ‘get out’ (be it through writing on here or even possibly trying out just recording myself as that seems quicker in some ways…), so that drive hasn’t gone, but it’s more that I feel both burnt out as well as overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to express myself in a way that I’d consider “comprehensive” and “complete” - it feels like it’ll never be possible to get it all done the first time around. Regarding the “burnt out” feeling - I’m pretty sure the main component of that came from quitting my PhD, and all that went/happened with it, as the PhD was/is a big deal to me…maybe I’ll write up more about what happened during the PhD as well as why it impacts/impacted me so much at some point, but not now. Anywho, I’ve set myself a target to post at least once a month, and with about an hour to go (at the time of writing) before the end of the calendar month, here we are :D

I’m deliberately trying to keep this one short and with possibly too little detail (as opposed to too much) as that’s something else I think/feel I need to improve on, but we’ll see. What I wanted to talk about, briefly, is that I’ve been wondering - for quite a few years, actually - about whether a ‘version update’ is due. What I mean by this is (and I may or may not have talked about this previously) that I think the notion of looking at the universe as a software simulation is a fairly apt analogy at the very least, and that includes ourselves as individuals. We may be like software programs that go through various breaks, patches, and updates.

And so I’d say I’ve been sitting on “Ridwan 2.x.x” since I was about fourteen years old, updating it here and there, and I’d say that version’s doing fairly well to be fair, in terms of getting me through various events and circumstances in Life, even now to be frank. However, 2.x.x was largely built on the notion of me being worth less than everybody else and ‘excessively expendable’ (which soon led to the notion that suicide is the best course of action for me and is something that has stayed with me ever since, pretty much), and this is something I tell myself is no longer the case, but is still very much a part of me that I feel, frankly speaking. As such, I’m umm-ing and ahh-ing over whether it’s time for “Ridwan 3.x.x”, as I can’t help but feel this’d be done more for the sake of releasing an update rather than there actually being some ‘major software update’ =/ Though, on the flip-side, it may be that I’m deliberately holding myself back from an update I’ve been denying myself for some time: personal boundaries - specifically having mine acknowledged and adhered to. I think I’ve let my boundaries be crossed a lot because I’ve regarded myself as less than is fair/reasonable, and consequently in many cases with many people I’ve either enabled them to take advantage of me, or I’ve not stood my ground/fought back within what is arguably right/just even if I do object. And the thing with implementing this ‘feature’ is that, whilst it doesn’t change that much of my ‘inner software content’, I imagine it significantly changes a lot of the ‘endpoints’ - how I interact with others and allow myself to be interacted with, which in turn may have huge impacts (or not, of course) on both my existing and future relationships, be they of a personal/social or professional nature.

In any case, whether this is a further update to “Ridwan 2.x.x” or the release of “Ridwan 3.x.x”, I think it’s time I implement a stricter sense of having my boundaries acknowledged/respected and adhered to.

"Your Hands Will Never Be Clean"

Context [for posterity?]: There’s a global pandemic situation at the moment from a virus referred to as COVID-19 and one of the strong recommendations in tackling the spread of it is to wash your hands - a message endorsed by various governments around the world, including the current Tory government in the UK, regarded by some (or many, depending on your sample) as immoral and the cause behind many of the current problems being faced by British society, especially with regards to the response to and handling of the current situation, hence the comic below.

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Introduction

I’ve seen a comic seemingly expressing a certain divisive sentiment come up in my social media feeds several times over the last week or so (in specific reference to the current Tory government in the UK) and frankly find the fact that it’s being shared so much - particularly by people I generally consider as open-minded, fair, and kind - a little alarming, especially when the current quarantine/’lockdown’ situation has arguably seen a rise in altruism. So, I’m going to try to write about [my interpretation of] the comic and the apparent problems/contradictions I notice - not with the comic itself, but rather the sentiment it seems to express - and, as ever, would appreciate constructive [and polite, please!] feedback on it, please, particularly from those who agree with the sentiment, whether it’s to say if I’ve completely misinterpreted it, am missing some vital information, something else, or even if you agree (and why).

The narrative here seems to imply two things:

1. That if you voted this government i.e. voted Tory, then it doesn’t matter who you are or what your reason/s for doing so are or anything else about you - you are all tarnished with the same brush. I consider this reduction a form of Prejudice.

2. That it also doesn’t matter how much you may have changed or could change since then and what you do with your life, even if you do a complete U-turn - you are guilty and beyond redemption. I consider this judgement a form of Discrimination.

Prejudice

Regarding the first point, what is meant by “[voting] for this government”? Rarely (if ever?) has any entity/party/government remained as it was at the time of voting nor acted exactly in the way those who voted for it envisioned. By sweeping all who voted Tory under one label, it reduces any and every other aspect about that individual into a single characteristic and paints a very “Us vs. Them”-picture, much like in anti-immigrant/xenophobic, anti-Semitic, Islamophobic, homophobic, sexist, etc. propaganda. Such propaganda, often attributed to and employed by the “Right”/“Far-Right”, is usually (and rightfully, in my opinion) heavily criticised, particularly by those on the “Left”. Except in this case, this sentiment is coming/echoing from some of those on the Left themselves and, sadly, this apparent hypocrisy isn’t new either.

There are numerous reasons and circumstances that can lead to somebody voting Tory, just as there are for Labour or any other party (or even not voting at all) - which certainly doesn’t mean they’re all justified, but that itself doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to understand those reasons and circumstances ourselves. What would lead some people - such as those who work in the NHS, who identify as Muslim, who are working-class, etc. - to vote for the Conservative Party, a party portrayed/considered to actively work/be against and despise such groups? Or, for a basic counter-example, what would lead to some Jewish people voting for Labour, a party portrayed/considered to actively be anti-Semitic? Or even if we don’t necessarily identify as any of the aforementioned groups/labels, but actively sympathise with and support them, how could any of us still vote for a party mired with such problems and apparent immorality? Are there any parties that we’d consider completely free of immorality, where we’re not compromising some of our values in favour of upholding some of our other values?

As it stands, there aren’t, and so other things start factoring into our decision, and it’s not so black-and-white a situation as some would paint. Maybe there are legitimate reasons to vote Tory, maybe there aren’t and it’s a case of misinformation and manipulation, maybe it’s a mix of both. Although, having said that, there are sadly those who actually are effectively facing life-or-death situations, arguably as a direct result of the current government and its policies (though also arguably not just because of that, but ourselves as a society - another discussion for another time). And there are also those for whom it’s a different type of black-and-white situation, because they actually have relatively privileged lives where they are unaffected by all the other factors and so they really do see it as a simple decision between two things without having to weigh up the consequences of the rest. In any case, the point is that there’s more to a person’s identity than who they voted, especially when trying to conform them to some simplified political model that typically has only one or two dimensions as a proxy for “Good” and “Bad” (and who’s to say we can fit people into those two boxes in the first place?). Again, the situation is not so black-and-white, and trying to make it into “Us vs. Them” and lump the problems on “Them” doesn’t really achieve anything other than trying to wash our own hands clean of any blame and accountability, to be blunt.

Discrimination

As for the second point, that “[your hands] will never be clean” - this raises a whole bunch of questions. Does this mean we’re saying certain things, like voting Tory (or equivalent), are beyond redemption, or even ‘rehabilitation’ given the tone of criminalisation in both the comic as well as accompanying text in some instances of it being shared? That even if you were to completely renounce whatever affinity for the Tories/political-right you may have and instead sincerely identify with the political-left, it doesn’t matter who you are or what genuine convictions you have now, you will always carry that mark with you? If it is indeed an unforgivable moral crime to vote Tory, does that make somebody who voted them permanently morally corrupt, and what would that mean? That we’re better than them for not doing so? Superior to them? That they’re second-class citizens, subject to a different set of standards to what we hold for ourselves i.e. the notions of equality and “basic human rights” typically espoused and revered by the Left go out the window? That it’s okay to permanently guilt them and demonise them? Surely we shouldn’t discriminate against them because they hold a different opinion to us, because that would be something only the Far-Right do, and they’re “Evil”*, right? Who’s even calling the shots on morality?

What about compared to statutory crimes? Where would voting Tory rank compared to other crimes, in terms of how you perceive somebody “guilty” of it? Would you rather find out a close friend voted Tory, or that they instead stole something, or assaulted someone, or murdered someone? Does that mean that those who commit crimes ‘greater’ than it are also beyond redemption and rehabilitation, i.e. if somebody is found guilty of murder, regardless of their reason or circumstance (again, not a justification for murder), does that mean there’s no chance for them, according to this narrative, and so we shouldn’t bother with rehabilitation programmes for them? Would that then lead to a growing prison population if certain sentences are to never be granted parole or come to an end, because the prisoner in question would always be regarded a murderer, and therefore a danger to society? Would they be forever considered a second-class citizen? And if not, if they can’t be reintegrated into society, but are forever left in prison instead with no hope of being accepted by society, then what? I’m not trying to say one way or the other is right, I’m just trying to find some consistency, because those sharing the comic in agreement with its narrative have also been those to typically express views that are pro-rehabilitation and understanding/sympathetic towards those found guilty of various “serious crimes”, rather than passing permanent/absolute judgement on others, so it seems like a contradiction to me.

Summary

Now, I’m not trying to justify voting or not voting Tory, or say that I think every vote is right in its own way, since I don’t think that plus that’s a whole other set of discussions, but the point I’m trying to make is two-fold:

1. To encourage and call for us to genuinely, fairly, and reasonably try to understand a situation before judging it (again, as a reminder to myself first and foremost); and

2. To bring light to what seems to be the recurring hypocrisy within (but not exclusive to) some/a lot of the [vocal] Left in the hopes that the situation is addressed/resolved, learnt from, and improved upon.

This latter point doesn’t mean entire causes on the Left itself, where this particular hypocrisy seems to live, are at fault themselves (“the Fallacy fallacy”), but that we should try to improve our own faults first before calling out “others” on those same faults (as ever, this goes for myself), and certainly not let it get to the current stage where the moral high ground is assumed and demonisation of “others” is considered as acceptable. Otherwise we’ll probably just carry on with the same ongoing political ‘reasoning’ of the divisive “Vote Us because We are not Them”, which isn’t really progressive at all, rather than something unifying like “Vote Us because We are X, Y, Z, etc.” instead.

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Also, a few closing ‘meta’ remarks:

1. I can understand the sentiment, as well as the frustration, sadness, and anger (as well as many other feelings) behind the comic and in many ways sympathise with it, but that doesn’t mean I can necessarily justify it. And I’m certainly not having a go at the author of the comic, especially as I don’t personally know them. Rather, as I said in the introduction, I’m asking the above to try to understand the underlying sentiment expressed within it better, and if my interpretation and apparent observations regarding it hold or not. I’m particularly asking this to those who hold this view that I personally know, given how it seems to contradict views they’ve previously expressed and apparently not changed on (unless they have, of course, and if so, would be curious as to why).

2. I get that me pointing this apparent flaw out will almost inevitably lead to some painting me as the “Them” in whatever false dichotomy they hold (in this case I “must be” a Tory-supporter or something), since this has happened many times before whenever I’ve tried to address problems in the various circles/communities I seem to have a foot in, especially so with those who identify on the Left as “open-minded and liberal”. As in, the very fact that I am questioning something within a certain [political] ideology apparently means I am challenging it (rather than trying to understand it first), and if I’m challenging something rather than blindly accepting it, it must mean I’m against it and therefore from ‘the other side’…If anything, this happening seems to further confirm the aforementioned “Us vs. Them”-mentality and hypocrisy problems, but gotta try to keep an open (yet reasonable!) mind about it all. I will allude back to something I said above though, which is that I’ll try to fix the problems caused by me and my ‘own’ first before calling out the same problems being caused by ‘others’.

3. Of course, my whole approach here is based on the premise that it’s worth having at least some faith in humanity itself, even though I have a ton of evidence (both personal and historical) that says not to, so who knows, maybe me trying to improve society is a pointless endeavour…=/

*Bit of a personal tangent here, but I feel it necessary to point out the recurring irony and blatant hypocrisy of some people - who hold and express the sentiment that voting Tory, Republican, and so on is equivalent with being “Evil” - also being the ones who previously/continuously complain about “all religious people” apparently being very judgemental about others, especially if they consider anybody who doesn’t agree with their views as “Evil”…This is something I’ve had to put up with a lot over the years, especially at university, by virtue of identifying as a Muslim, even though I’ve long held and expressed the belief that it’s not for us - as people - to judge whether people are “good” or “bad”…but hey-ho there we go. Also, I get this is a very direct and blunt approach to trying to address this particular problem, so apologies for that, but numerous attempts - starting off as subtle/gentle questions to increasingly direct comments (yet still maintaining diplomacy) - have evidently failed, so I don’t know what else I can do at this point.

The "Death-Friend"

Hello :)

I know I haven’t posted here in quite some time, and I have been meaning to quite regularly to be frank (say once a week, at least). As usual, though, there’ve been other things getting in the way, be it actual stuff to do, or more likely the constant apathy and my lethargy in anything that seems to be ‘for myself’. Anywho, here I am trying to make amends of sorts (to whom? I have no idea - to you the readers and audience, I guess, but I don’t think I have any ‘regulars’ that wait with baited breath for my next post :P If I do, though, I am sorry! I don’t mean to overlook you or anything, I just wasn’t aware and had no indication of it, as far as I could tell.).

So, the “Death-Friend”.

This is a concept that’s been more or less been floating around in my head as some vague and unidentified form for almost half of my life, and I may have even made allusions to it in my past posts, but it’s only very recently that I think I figured out what that presence in my mind was. In short, a “Death Friend” is a friend who you feel comfortable sharing your Death with, and the moments leading up to it, be it the moments just before your passing, or the months and years before as you try to set your affairs in order.

Of course, there are a few things to point out with this:

1. It presumes you know when you’re going to die. Nobody really knows this for sure until the moment it happens, of course. However, the general implication is that this is either somebody who’s “terminally ill”, or planning their Death (be it suicide or assisted-suicide). So we’re on ‘dark’ territory here, but that’s usually the case with me, as you’ve probably figured out by now if you’ve read my previous stuff, and if not, now you know! :D

2. I actually wouldn’t consider this any different from other types of friends, and would hope that, if faced with the situation for whatever reason, a good friend would be able to support one through to the end of one’s Life. Of course, Death is not necessarily an easy thing to deal with and we all have our own thoughts and feelings about it, so I’m certainly not saying one has to be able to fulfil this, and that’s why I thought of the notion of a death-friend in the first place. Because some times the person you may consider your best friend may not seem ready or able to bear such a weight, and that’s understandable, and you don’t want to impose upon them or burden them any more than you may already feel like you are doing or have done.

3. When I say “sharing your Death with”, I don’t mean they die too, like a suicide-pact or something, just that they’re with you at the moment of your passing so you don’t feel alone at the end of this Life, at least (if you want them to be and don’t want to feel that way, that is).

Anywho, that’s all. Hopefully I’ll be posting more regularly and of about this length from now on (as a general guideline, not a hard rule).

Take care :)