My So-Called Triple-Life

Something I’ve been meaning to write about for a few days - but kept putting off because the subject matter feels particularly heavy for me to think about, let alone write about - is about my ‘triple-life’. Also, this is mostly a thought-stream, so may involve lots of waffling and jump around, but hopefully it’s consistent at least…

Now many people, including myself, seem to have many personas in terms of who they are with themselves, with family, with significant others, with friends, with colleagues, with strangers, etc., though I often hear these personas being categorised into a binary distinction of personal and professional lives, as if living a double-life, if you will. Whilst I can understand this, it personally always seemed like a hassle to me that I imagine I’d find exhausting to indulge in - pretending to be somebody other than myself at work or wherever seemed like not only extra effort (kind of implying who I’d be personally would either be at least ‘good enough’ for a professional setting or conversely not suitable and therefore not ‘have to’ consider a professional setting in the first place =/ I’d like to think I strive for the former…) but also a compromise on who I am.

The thing is, though, I kinda felt that way about having a double-life because I find being ‘me’ exhausting enough as it is already, in that who I am in front of others is typically a very filtered and relatively refined version of myself that’s constantly trying to consider what everybody’s thinking and how they’re feeling as well as how certain things being said or done may make them feel, and not just by myself but by others, too (which is why I find one-on-one interactions much easier in general because as soon as another person is present I have a hard time trying to juggle and anticipate it all just as we currently do with the three-body problem in physics). I’d like to point out (perhaps to convince myself, too…who knows?), this isn’t to say this is not me, or a a dishonest/false version of me, but rather I see it like the difference between “I’ll be honest.” and “I’ll be honest and frank.” (which I imagine still won’t sit well with some and am open to feedback on this of course). This is a bit of a tangent and one I intend to write about properly/elaborately in a separate post, but for now I will say that there are three quantities in mathematics of particular significance to me (though no disrespect meant to Euler’s Equation!) that I in turn try to ‘mirror’ in reality (given how the analogies I tend to try to understand Life/Existence/the Universe with are pretty much all centred around maths, physics, and computer simulations…): Zero, One, and Infinity. I generally think/feel as if I (as well as possibly most, if not all, others) typically have a version of themselves for Zero others i.e. who they are when by themselves, for One other i.e. who they are when with some individual they hold in a particularly significant regard, and for Infinite others, i.e. who they are when with everybody else in general. This isn’t to say it’s a strict ‘law’ or anything, especially between One and Infinity, plus I guess there is somewhat of a goal for Zero and One to be the same, but it’s a framework that’s there in my mind.

Aaaaaaannyway, that tangent aside, the thing I actually intended to get down in writing is my so-called triple-life, which, in short, is basically me trying to live in a way that keeps the three possible outcomes I see for my Life (and the respective paths to each of those outcomes)…possible. What I mean by that is that the three outcomes that I see, I also regard as mutually exclusive, and because I can’t figure out which one to commit to, I try to ensure all three outcomes are simultaneously possible at any given moment. This is, as you can expect (if I haven’t confused you with my scatty narrative, sorry!), very difficult to do and, again, incredibly exhausting. Yet I feel it is necessary =/ This is a very brief take on my triple-life:

1. Suicide - outcome seems most fitting and feels most right, as in the thing I’m ‘meant to do’, for various reasons, but I think is wrong - likelihood: varies depending on how I’m feeling;

2. Conceding that most of the problems in both my family and in society probably won't change and cycles will repeat, and that the rest of my days will most likely be spent just fighting those problems and battles where I can and looking after my family/others and teaching them to cope with things as best as I can - outcome feels like defeat and too much of a compromise, that the needs will always come above my wants, and will probably end up with me losing my battle against cynicism and becoming a husk - likelihood: seemingly very high as this seems the most realistic and seems to match my current trajectory; and

3. That things will actually work out and improve, and those problems in my family and society will be resolved, or at least improved/resolved enough that I can have that life I used to imagine when I was a child where I am a good husband and a great father - outcome is the one I actually want, but also seems naive and idealistic of me, yet maybe it is possible to change the world… - likelihood: seemingly very low.

(I was going to make a mini, rather clichéd, three-panel comic summarising these with a filled black panel, a mundane/bleak grayscale outlook on life for the second, and a happy outlook third panel filled with colour, but I’m terrible at drawing as it is that without my tablet there’s even less chance of it looking like how it does in my mind.)

Originally it was only #3. Then on my 15th birthday #1 came into play and was meant to take effect on my 16th birthday, though #3 would still twinkle from time to time. Evidently, this did not happen, and I initially thought #1 would take a little longer than expected (in my mind the hold-up was because I still hadn’t worked out a way to morally justify it, but it’s very possible I was in denial about it - who knows?) so still it was predominantly #1 with a few appearances by #3 here and there. I didn’t consciously realise but during my late teens and early twenties is when #2 started popping up more and more, and so, for pretty much the last decade of my life, I’ve been constantly trying to juggle these three outcomes. And like I said, they’re fairly mutually exclusive so it makes me hold back on a lot of things, particularly the idea of a relationship. As in, #3 is the outcome I’d actually like, but given the likelihoods of #1 and #2, and even the fact that I think about them as ‘viable’ outcomes, I don’t think it’s exactly moral/fair for me to have a relationship with somebody whilst keeping those possibilities in mind =/ Incidentally, this has put me in an odd situation for many years in that I feel whatever love, affection, compassion, kindness, etc. I have, I feel I should share or even ‘give away’ to others in general rather than ‘reserving’ for that ‘special someone’ (because if you have something good, you want to share it, or at least I hope that’s the case), which people can often somewhat understandably misinterpret (though still I wish they’d ask and try to understand rather than generalise and assume). Even though this is arguably not what the following scene was about, I often think of this rather climactic moment - kinda a spoiler if you haven’t seen it though! - from the film Gattaca when dwelling on this predicament - of not saving anything for the swim back, because there is no swim back.)

The apparently obvious solution to my dilemma of course would be to commit to one of the three outcomes, i.e. #3, and disregard the other two, though of course how that plays out is how the three outcomes came to be in the first place. So I don’t know. It’s hard. And emotions are hard. And people don’t often make sense. So I don’t know how to do this and I still wish I could just commit to #1 and be done with it, but Hope seems to glimmer on, even though I now consider Hope a double-edged sword =/ I think I’ll stop there. Thanks if you read this.

"Your Hands Will Never Be Clean"

Context [for posterity?]: There’s a global pandemic situation at the moment from a virus referred to as COVID-19 and one of the strong recommendations in tackling the spread of it is to wash your hands - a message endorsed by various governments around the world, including the current Tory government in the UK, regarded by some (or many, depending on your sample) as immoral and the cause behind many of the current problems being faced by British society, especially with regards to the response to and handling of the current situation, hence the comic below.

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Introduction

I’ve seen a comic seemingly expressing a certain divisive sentiment come up in my social media feeds several times over the last week or so (in specific reference to the current Tory government in the UK) and frankly find the fact that it’s being shared so much - particularly by people I generally consider as open-minded, fair, and kind - a little alarming, especially when the current quarantine/’lockdown’ situation has arguably seen a rise in altruism. So, I’m going to try to write about [my interpretation of] the comic and the apparent problems/contradictions I notice - not with the comic itself, but rather the sentiment it seems to express - and, as ever, would appreciate constructive [and polite, please!] feedback on it, please, particularly from those who agree with the sentiment, whether it’s to say if I’ve completely misinterpreted it, am missing some vital information, something else, or even if you agree (and why).

The narrative here seems to imply two things:

1. That if you voted this government i.e. voted Tory, then it doesn’t matter who you are or what your reason/s for doing so are or anything else about you - you are all tarnished with the same brush. I consider this reduction a form of Prejudice.

2. That it also doesn’t matter how much you may have changed or could change since then and what you do with your life, even if you do a complete U-turn - you are guilty and beyond redemption. I consider this judgement a form of Discrimination.

Prejudice

Regarding the first point, what is meant by “[voting] for this government”? Rarely (if ever?) has any entity/party/government remained as it was at the time of voting nor acted exactly in the way those who voted for it envisioned. By sweeping all who voted Tory under one label, it reduces any and every other aspect about that individual into a single characteristic and paints a very “Us vs. Them”-picture, much like in anti-immigrant/xenophobic, anti-Semitic, Islamophobic, homophobic, sexist, etc. propaganda. Such propaganda, often attributed to and employed by the “Right”/“Far-Right”, is usually (and rightfully, in my opinion) heavily criticised, particularly by those on the “Left”. Except in this case, this sentiment is coming/echoing from some of those on the Left themselves and, sadly, this apparent hypocrisy isn’t new either.

There are numerous reasons and circumstances that can lead to somebody voting Tory, just as there are for Labour or any other party (or even not voting at all) - which certainly doesn’t mean they’re all justified, but that itself doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to understand those reasons and circumstances ourselves. What would lead some people - such as those who work in the NHS, who identify as Muslim, who are working-class, etc. - to vote for the Conservative Party, a party portrayed/considered to actively work/be against and despise such groups? Or, for a basic counter-example, what would lead to some Jewish people voting for Labour, a party portrayed/considered to actively be anti-Semitic? Or even if we don’t necessarily identify as any of the aforementioned groups/labels, but actively sympathise with and support them, how could any of us still vote for a party mired with such problems and apparent immorality? Are there any parties that we’d consider completely free of immorality, where we’re not compromising some of our values in favour of upholding some of our other values?

As it stands, there aren’t, and so other things start factoring into our decision, and it’s not so black-and-white a situation as some would paint. Maybe there are legitimate reasons to vote Tory, maybe there aren’t and it’s a case of misinformation and manipulation, maybe it’s a mix of both. Although, having said that, there are sadly those who actually are effectively facing life-or-death situations, arguably as a direct result of the current government and its policies (though also arguably not just because of that, but ourselves as a society - another discussion for another time). And there are also those for whom it’s a different type of black-and-white situation, because they actually have relatively privileged lives where they are unaffected by all the other factors and so they really do see it as a simple decision between two things without having to weigh up the consequences of the rest. In any case, the point is that there’s more to a person’s identity than who they voted, especially when trying to conform them to some simplified political model that typically has only one or two dimensions as a proxy for “Good” and “Bad” (and who’s to say we can fit people into those two boxes in the first place?). Again, the situation is not so black-and-white, and trying to make it into “Us vs. Them” and lump the problems on “Them” doesn’t really achieve anything other than trying to wash our own hands clean of any blame and accountability, to be blunt.

Discrimination

As for the second point, that “[your hands] will never be clean” - this raises a whole bunch of questions. Does this mean we’re saying certain things, like voting Tory (or equivalent), are beyond redemption, or even ‘rehabilitation’ given the tone of criminalisation in both the comic as well as accompanying text in some instances of it being shared? That even if you were to completely renounce whatever affinity for the Tories/political-right you may have and instead sincerely identify with the political-left, it doesn’t matter who you are or what genuine convictions you have now, you will always carry that mark with you? If it is indeed an unforgivable moral crime to vote Tory, does that make somebody who voted them permanently morally corrupt, and what would that mean? That we’re better than them for not doing so? Superior to them? That they’re second-class citizens, subject to a different set of standards to what we hold for ourselves i.e. the notions of equality and “basic human rights” typically espoused and revered by the Left go out the window? That it’s okay to permanently guilt them and demonise them? Surely we shouldn’t discriminate against them because they hold a different opinion to us, because that would be something only the Far-Right do, and they’re “Evil”*, right? Who’s even calling the shots on morality?

What about compared to statutory crimes? Where would voting Tory rank compared to other crimes, in terms of how you perceive somebody “guilty” of it? Would you rather find out a close friend voted Tory, or that they instead stole something, or assaulted someone, or murdered someone? Does that mean that those who commit crimes ‘greater’ than it are also beyond redemption and rehabilitation, i.e. if somebody is found guilty of murder, regardless of their reason or circumstance (again, not a justification for murder), does that mean there’s no chance for them, according to this narrative, and so we shouldn’t bother with rehabilitation programmes for them? Would that then lead to a growing prison population if certain sentences are to never be granted parole or come to an end, because the prisoner in question would always be regarded a murderer, and therefore a danger to society? Would they be forever considered a second-class citizen? And if not, if they can’t be reintegrated into society, but are forever left in prison instead with no hope of being accepted by society, then what? I’m not trying to say one way or the other is right, I’m just trying to find some consistency, because those sharing the comic in agreement with its narrative have also been those to typically express views that are pro-rehabilitation and understanding/sympathetic towards those found guilty of various “serious crimes”, rather than passing permanent/absolute judgement on others, so it seems like a contradiction to me.

Summary

Now, I’m not trying to justify voting or not voting Tory, or say that I think every vote is right in its own way, since I don’t think that plus that’s a whole other set of discussions, but the point I’m trying to make is two-fold:

1. To encourage and call for us to genuinely, fairly, and reasonably try to understand a situation before judging it (again, as a reminder to myself first and foremost); and

2. To bring light to what seems to be the recurring hypocrisy within (but not exclusive to) some/a lot of the [vocal] Left in the hopes that the situation is addressed/resolved, learnt from, and improved upon.

This latter point doesn’t mean entire causes on the Left itself, where this particular hypocrisy seems to live, are at fault themselves (“the Fallacy fallacy”), but that we should try to improve our own faults first before calling out “others” on those same faults (as ever, this goes for myself), and certainly not let it get to the current stage where the moral high ground is assumed and demonisation of “others” is considered as acceptable. Otherwise we’ll probably just carry on with the same ongoing political ‘reasoning’ of the divisive “Vote Us because We are not Them”, which isn’t really progressive at all, rather than something unifying like “Vote Us because We are X, Y, Z, etc.” instead.

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Also, a few closing ‘meta’ remarks:

1. I can understand the sentiment, as well as the frustration, sadness, and anger (as well as many other feelings) behind the comic and in many ways sympathise with it, but that doesn’t mean I can necessarily justify it. And I’m certainly not having a go at the author of the comic, especially as I don’t personally know them. Rather, as I said in the introduction, I’m asking the above to try to understand the underlying sentiment expressed within it better, and if my interpretation and apparent observations regarding it hold or not. I’m particularly asking this to those who hold this view that I personally know, given how it seems to contradict views they’ve previously expressed and apparently not changed on (unless they have, of course, and if so, would be curious as to why).

2. I get that me pointing this apparent flaw out will almost inevitably lead to some painting me as the “Them” in whatever false dichotomy they hold (in this case I “must be” a Tory-supporter or something), since this has happened many times before whenever I’ve tried to address problems in the various circles/communities I seem to have a foot in, especially so with those who identify on the Left as “open-minded and liberal”. As in, the very fact that I am questioning something within a certain [political] ideology apparently means I am challenging it (rather than trying to understand it first), and if I’m challenging something rather than blindly accepting it, it must mean I’m against it and therefore from ‘the other side’…If anything, this happening seems to further confirm the aforementioned “Us vs. Them”-mentality and hypocrisy problems, but gotta try to keep an open (yet reasonable!) mind about it all. I will allude back to something I said above though, which is that I’ll try to fix the problems caused by me and my ‘own’ first before calling out the same problems being caused by ‘others’.

3. Of course, my whole approach here is based on the premise that it’s worth having at least some faith in humanity itself, even though I have a ton of evidence (both personal and historical) that says not to, so who knows, maybe me trying to improve society is a pointless endeavour…=/

*Bit of a personal tangent here, but I feel it necessary to point out the recurring irony and blatant hypocrisy of some people - who hold and express the sentiment that voting Tory, Republican, and so on is equivalent with being “Evil” - also being the ones who previously/continuously complain about “all religious people” apparently being very judgemental about others, especially if they consider anybody who doesn’t agree with their views as “Evil”…This is something I’ve had to put up with a lot over the years, especially at university, by virtue of identifying as a Muslim, even though I’ve long held and expressed the belief that it’s not for us - as people - to judge whether people are “good” or “bad”…but hey-ho there we go. Also, I get this is a very direct and blunt approach to trying to address this particular problem, so apologies for that, but numerous attempts - starting off as subtle/gentle questions to increasingly direct comments (yet still maintaining diplomacy) - have evidently failed, so I don’t know what else I can do at this point.

Defeat...

I think quitting the PhD in February last year has left me feeling defeated, and I only realised it in the last month. I intend to write more about this but I just don’t have the energy right now, but that’s also part of how I think I know I feel defeated - I feel like don’t have the energy to “fight the good fight” any more. I just removed and blocked somebody on Facebook, which might be trivial enough for some, but is a huge thing for me, because I feel like I’ve passed a huge judgement on somebody by removing them as a “friend” on Facebook, but blocking them feels even worse because I’ve effectively shut the door on them. Generally I make a point to “leave the door open, but stop checking if they’ve come through it” in situations like this; as in I don’t want to turn my back on anybody, but this person’s demonstrated on several occasions to seemingly discard the evidence and draw a conclusion completely to the contrary of what that evidence would have suggested. And the most worrying thing about it all is that - from what I can tell - they genuinely think they’re right.

In the film “Captain America: Civil War”, there’s a line where Peter Parker (Spiderman) says to Steve Rogers (Captain America) that Tony Stark (Iron Man) said that Steve thinks he’s right, and that makes him dangerous. I thought I understood and this statement and the gravity of it well enough and of course it made me reflect on my own convictions well enough (including now; I’m aware that just because I think the aforementioned person is wrong doesn’t mean they are, and the consequences of me thinking that they are could also be dangerous - it’s not a comforting notion to doubt oneself, of course, but it’s still something we have to do…I think), but I think I had never seen such outright denial of evidence/facts until the last year or so with this person. As in full on twisting of facts without seemingly being aware of it, of the fact itself that they had completely misinterpreted a number of people pointing out their argument was wrong and coming away from it thinking they had managed to convince some of those people they were right and this was cause for celebration =/ And whilst it’d be plausible in this day and age to think that they are a ‘master troll’, I really don’t think that’s the case. And it’s so worrying.

But yes, I think am defeated. I couldn’t put in the effort any more to try to gently and constructively point out the flaws in their logic, nor put up with their accusations about me, when before I could and would tolerate it in the hopes that this was just an innocent misunderstanding on their part. I couldn’t fight “the good fight” (could a fight ever be such a thing?). The thing that makes me really think I’m defeated, though, is that it no longer feels “All or Nothing” to me, I don’t feel like “either I will live in this world upholding principles as best as I can or die trying”, I just feel as if I should resign to whatever this fate seems to be, and just accept things as they are, not as they could be.

Here we go again...

I’ve realised that, for most blank white/off-white walls that I sit by, I tend to think of them as a canvas for what’s in my head to be splattered across.

Minor update...

Still alive! Whether or not this is a good thing is still be decided, but I suppose it is.

Anywho, been particularly busy these last few months since quitting the PhD. I did a IT consultancy training course for Business Intelligence which was sometimes interesting, and sometimes very much a drag, but hey, it’s a way to get my foot in the door (something the training company specialises in) and they took me on, so for that I’m very grateful. Plus most of the people in my class made it not just bearable but enjoyable, so yay for that.

Now I’ve started a job as a contractor (from said training company) working as a data scientist predominantly for Ordnance Survey. Turns out they do way more than make those Explorer Maps used for Duke of Edinburgh (seriously, apparently those maps bring in about ‘only’ 5-7% for the company)! I quite like it so far, both in terms of work to do, colleagues, and general atmosphere.

Also, for the job, I’ve relocated and moved out into my own place in Southampton (still renting, of course :’)) and, as much as I love my family and feel guilty for not being there to try to help with things directly, the change in environment and having my own space really seems to have made a difference...I feel both glad and, as I said, guilty for this apparent fact. But it seems to be the best option given how things were whilst I was back with family. Still have some ‘dark moments’ here and there, but we’ll see how it goes.

Right, “minor update” that was originally three lines in my head is now done. Thanks for reading, whoever you may be, and take care :)

Things About My Mother - I

Rather emotional right now. Not in a particularly ‘good’ way. But just thought I’d write this here because I think my mother’s been through a lot and for some irrational human ‘reason’ want her legacy to be remembered (I ‘get’ legacy yet at the same time don’t really get it).

When she was a kid, she really wanted to be a solicitor.
When she was a kid, she also really wanted to go to school (girls typically didn’t go to school in the society she grew up in) so badly that she’d keep washing some of her clothes for school to try to soften her father into letting her go. (She managed to go for a little while but her family couldn’t afford to keep her there. I’ve mentioned this elsewhere I believe).

Note: Please don’t try to fill in the blanks/interpolate/extrapolate about anything. There’s nuance to take into consideration and I often have to spend so much effort dispelling misconceptions and people filling in the blanks according to their prejudices and narratives. Just take what I said as data points and acknowledge that the rest is “unknown”. Please. Sorry for being so curt, too :(

A little update...

Hello there. It’s been a while, as usual, despite my intentions. Just thought I’d at least drop in to update you on my situation regarding my PhD. I quit, a little over a month ago. Too many problems to handle - from not getting enough support during my PhD (even though I addressed the relevant persons on all levels about this several times…) to the ongoing family dramas I’ve alluded to and mentioned before. I was actually pretty close to the end of my PhD it seemed, in that all I was doing now was pretty much writing up, but turns out I couldn’t hack coping with the environment I’m in again any more. So it’s a shame, I feel quite bummed out, and pretty much every day I’ve felt like bursting into tears, but crying is something I don’t seem able to do any more (pretty sure this is psychosomatic as that seems more likely than physiologically being unable to cry…I think?), so I just carry it with me and am constantly feeling on edge.

That said, quitting seemed to be the most pragmatic outcome in a way. My though process was pretty much: “I need to get out of this environment, but I have no financial means of doing so, so I need a job for financial income, but I can’t get a job until I finish my thesis, so I need to finish my thesis, but I can’t focus on my thesis with all the stuff going on around me here, so I should try to focus on resolving those problems first, but I’ve been trying that for most of my life and nobody here seems to actually listen, so I need to get out of this environment…” and it just seemed to a vicious cycle that dragged on. So I had to compromise the thing I actually really wanted to do - a PhD - for a long portion of my Life (this is in the version of my Life I entertain/hope for where I don’t commit suicide, in case you’re wondering about inconsistencies). Though compromise is not foreign to me, of course (that’s not to say I’ve always compromised, or even compromised the most compared to others, or anything like that at all. Just relegating my stuff to the back-seat or even chucking it out of the car altogether is something I’m familiar with and almost ‘normalised’ for me.

But yes, one of the ‘lighter’ questions this leaves me with is: Am I no longer able to consider myself a scientist? Without any publications that have gone through peer-review, I don’t have any official credit to my name in that respect. To be frank, I didn’t really call myself a scientist before anyway, as I figured that’s a title/right I earn after submitting and passing my thesis and viva. “The Dark Scientist”, my blog title, was meant more as a light-hearted joke with some relevance to me doing a PhD, but at the same time was intended to be qualified once I’d completed my PhD. So now that I’m not doing a PhD and have no research published to my name (yet? Not sure…), is my blog title slightly fraudulent and requires a change?

Still thinking this one over…