If we take "fantasy" to mean an imaginary or hypothetical situation one often dwells upon in a longing manner, there is one fantasy that I often find myself visiting. I've had this fantasy for the last seven years or so, and not really had any fantasy like it before or since. This particularly fantasy doesn't bother me, but the first time I described it to somebody, they seemed quite disturbed by it and that was the first indication I had that perhaps this would be described as a "dark fantasy".
In it, I am in a large, plain, white room, that seems to be 'my room', but all that's in it is a single desk in the corner with a chair, upon which I'm sat, facing the wall. Along the wall to the other end of the room, is the door to the room, so that if somebody were to come in, they'd open the door, step into the room, and if they looked across to the right, they'd see me at the desk. Likewise, if somebody came in and I turned my head to the right, I'd see the door open into the room, and then the person step forward into the room from behind it.
The fantasy begins with me sat at this desk just as somebody walks in. That somebody is also me, so that there are two of us. The one entering has a baseball bat, and approaches me (sat at the desk) calmly. I, too, aware of what's coming, remain calm and ready. Then, the other me proceeds to whack me around the head with a baseball bat until I'm dead. There's no sense of pain or anything, just that I deserve this and we 'both' know it needs to be done and in this way. That is to say, I don't deserve to live and should die, but also that the only person to take end my Life should be myself, since taking a Life is wrong and I don't want somebody to be responsible for my murder, therefore the consequences of the action are 'confined' to myself and nobody else (so not that "this way" has to be with a baseball bat, a violent death, or anything along those lines). And that's it. The whole thing takes about ten to twenty seconds, and then it's over.
This mindset is pretty much my default state, and I pretty much visit this fantasy and the thoughts and feelings it encapsulates whenever left to myself, which is quite often. Most of the time I'm seeking mental noise to drown it out, but really I know it's part of a whole plethora of problems that are still present despite my numerous attempts over the years to confront and resolve them.
Anywho, the first time I described it to somebody, and after their initial reaction had worn off, they remarked that I must hate myself to have such thoughts about myself. At the time, I didn't really agree due to my stance towards "hating" things. My 'personal' definition of "Hate" is "when you want Bad things to happen to somebody or something", and so I've made a point since my early teens to never hate anyone or anything, and the very least I'd feel towards somebody is "neutral" or "nothing". So if I "dislike" somebody, it means I will endeavour to treat them at the very least with their due respect, trust, and love, as a living being, but that I won't necessarily feel inclined to go above and beyond that as I would for those I have positive feelings for - it at no point whatsoever does not mean I will make a point to treat them negatively or deny them what I consider them their basic rights. And so going back to this situation where I first disclosed this fantasy to another (around September/October 2014; the second and last time was earlier this year), I acknowledged the comment that I must hate myself, but disagreed with it, because I considered myself as somebody who doesn't hate others.
Yet, in the last few months, I've considered this fantasy and that conversation a lot, and came to a realisation. What I 'desire' upon myself in said fantasy is something I objectively consider to be "Bad", in that it brings harm to another in terms of being detrimental to their Life. And so on an objective level, given my definitions of "Hate" and "Bad", the conclusion I came to is that I do seem to hate somebody, and that somebody is myself. On one hand, that's a "bad" thing because I consider "Hatred" to inherently be a bad thing due to the definition I have of it, but on the other, I don't feel so bothered by it because I'm not hating anybody or anything else, and my 'reason' for doing so towards myself is based on the argument that I deserve "bad" things happening to me. As for where this leaves me and what to do about it, I'm still not sure, but I wonder if it can help me do the "right" thing, whatever that may be, and whatever impact the outcome has on me.